The Man Who Would Be Queen

-Fact based Elizabethan Tootsie-

Prologue

Friends, Romans, moneymen, may we borrow your ear?

For we have an odd story which you might like to hear!

‘Tis with great pleasure we present you this little-known tale,

About England’s greatest Queen who was sometimes a male!

A tale of two bound by blood yet unknown to each other,

One with a “Mary” as a sister, and one with a “Mary” as a Mother.

In the lost town of Bisley both were born on the scene,

One man and one woman, yet both one day would be Queen.

Chock full of treachery, deceit and a monarch who sings,

Noble rouges, gambling popes, and an evil Spanish King.

Pushy playwrights, handsome heroes, and yea, ladies-in-waiting,

And if the budget permits, perhaps a little “bear-baiting”!

But alas, you are busy men and your attention tends to wane,

So our story, I’ll now briefly attempt to explain.

Elizabeth was once Queen of England, I’m sure that much you know,

But sometimes she acted “manly”, and that’s the crux of our show.

A young woman, Mary Howard, had married into English Court,

But feared her son Bisley’s Tudor blood may cut his life short.

So she went underground, this based on slightly stretched facts,

She hid her son in a tavern to avoid Henry’s axe.

So she raised her only son in protective isolation,

All the while keeping from him his secret royal relation.

A Momma’s Boy was young Bisley, to his mother’s skirts he did cling,

But all the while secretly dreaming of one day being king.

Which of course gave his mother a great deal of distress,

For one day he would rule England, but he’d be wearing a dress.

‘Tis all, you may ask? Have you nothing else in store?

Ha! Fear, fear not kind sirs for indeed there’s much more!

(Come to think of it, we may need a few Moores.)

We’ll unravel many falsehoods that scholars say occurred in those days,

The reason Spain attacked England, and who really wrote Shakespeare’s plays.

There’ll be lavish court scenes, and exciting sword fights,

Bumbling guards, buxom beauties, and grown men in tights.

Much dancing and singing, and a little genderless sex,

Dimwitted earls and a royal advisor with a penchant for writing bad checks.

Told with humor and music, ‘t’will be a wondrous work,

One that both entertains and clears up some historical murk.

But alas, methinks I’ve said too much, so here I cease and hold my lip.

But rest assured our play will be thoughtful, relevant and most definitely hip.

A play that will surely bring all involved much accolades and fame,

One worthy of Francis Bacon, but to which Shakespeare probably signed his name.